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People are also very sensitive to tone of voice, and if we hear a negative intonation—as this question is often delivered from a frustrated parent—we’re likely to get defensive, he adds.The best response: “Let’s talk about how we should handle this.” Parenting is a team sport, so instead of feeling like you’re fighting for first place, remind her you’re one unit.While this may seem tiresome to you—your feelings haven’t changed in the week since she asked last—it’s her way of checking on the security of your relationship.The best response: “You’re the most generous, giving person I’ve ever met, and that makes me love you more and more every day.” Instead of complimenting her looks—which will make her nervous your feelings will change when things start to drop—focus on affirming why you love the parts that won’t change: She’s a wonderful mother, has the best sense of humor, and makes one mean pot of chili.

What she’s really saying is, “I have something I want to talk about.”The best response: “What’s on your mind?

Most of our fights are about these unsolvable problems, and because you’ve had this argument so many times before, the subject sends you into defensive mode quicker.

The best response: “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now.

The reason it freaks you out: There’s an implication in this question that you don’t compliment her enough, says Cole.

Unfortunately, a lot of times this is true, he adds.

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